Dont Control but manage your Anger

You don’t feel proud, but sometimes you can’t help it. Anger takes control of the situation and you end up embarrassing yourself in public, or entering in a discussion you didn’t want to. Sometimes it is nobody’s fault, just a series of bad circumstances piling up until the outburst happens. The main point is that you didn’t want to get so mad, but you did. You snapped. And then everything was a mess despite your best try to keep it down. Just a warning: This will require your entire commitment and determination, so if you are expecting a “count ten” or “relax” kind of article, you better move to another one. But if you follow the instructions, I promise that anger will never rule again your life.

1. To Stop the Gun You Need to Know What Is the Trigger

Anger might be more or less accepted, but let’s be honest: it is part of the human behavior. It helps us to understand things that make us feel uncomfortable, threatened or upset. However, how we manage it is our choice.

The first step to assure your victory in this battle is dating your enemy. It is impossible to fight a fear if you don’t know what it is. To know how anger plays you each time you snap, you have to get underneath its skin.

It is vital that you understand why.

2. Feeding the Wrong Habit

Anger is a habit —not a good one, of course. You might not have thought about it, but the same way that as soon as you wake up you [get dressed / brush your teeth / drink a glass of water / whatever that applies], when you see something that doesn’t fit your expectations, anger skyrockets.

Take a quick look to these habits:

Waking up is the trigger - brushing your teeth is the reaction - fresh sensation in your mouth is your reward. 

A sudden twist of your plans is the trigger - anger is the reaction -releasing the frustration through a tantrum is your reward.

Habits, no matter how complicated they are, are always constructed by these three basic elements. The problem is that you have interiorized anger as your natural reaction and you no longer think about it: that is the tricky aspect of habits.

Charles Duhigg does a great job explaining habits’ formation and how they rule our lives on The Power of Habit. It is a simple process that if you conquer today, will give you an incredible power and control over your own decisions. Habits are a loop of actions and reactions you perform unconsciously. Master your awareness and you will triumph over your habits —and of course, over your anger.

3. Breaking the Chain of Reactions

Once you are aware about how your habit looks like, it is time to change it. And here is where it gets awkward. Bear with me. You and I have heard thousands of times “relax”, “count until 10”, etc. All lies. Let’s face it: when your anger gets to the dangerous point of a boiling pot, there are not many chances to stop it. Relaxing techniques work when you are able to realize you are getting into a hazardous area, not when you are already in it. That is about awareness and it takes longer to master.

So instead of trying to breathe and take control over the situation which you have failed to do hundreds of time, try to do something absolutely radical.

However, don’t fall into these commons mistakes:

Don’t focus on the problem: this means, don’t over think it. Try to identify the trigger and then, let it be in the past.

Don’t blame others: reflection is time to heal, not to judge.

5. Changing Your Habits is Changing Your Life

There are many other practices you can add on top of these ones to create a more solid and consistent habit to manage your anger. The easiest one is avoid your triggers, right?

If you know that getting stuck in traffic won’t help your morning, try to leave home earlier so you skip the rush-hours. If fast food hurts your stomach, find a please were you can get healthier meals for the week. There is a solution for almost every problem: be wise.

Meditating, learning breathing techniques, even seeking professional help or supportive groups are a great core of resources to have on mind. Taming your anger it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of self-discipline.

There is no need to get overwhelmed by your frustrations and make a scene each time something goes wrong, ruining your day. You are better than that. You are in control of your anger therefore you are in control of your life. Acknowledging this will make you more confident and strong.